This is Nick. This is Jack. And this is the end of the panda as we know it. Because China is taking back its giant panda “gifts” from every American zoo. China historically sent panda bears as gifts to other nations (aka panda diplomacy), including America’s first panda in 1972. But with tensions running high, China is demanding repandament by December. Until then, it’s Panda Palooza…

Other weekend news? Lawmakers were up late Saturday funding the federal government for 45 more days—the shutdown isn’t happening after all.

Was this newsletter forwarded to you? Subscribe here to get TBOY 3x/week every week.

1) The Stock Market’s Sad Boy September

The S&P wasn’t celebrating Virgo birthdays. The stock market fell 5% in September to clock its worst month of the year.

The best reflection of the overall stock market: It’s the S&P 500 index of the 500 most valuable companies. It’s now down 11% from its January 2022 ATH, despite being within spitting distance of a new record heading into Labor Day.

Here are our five reasons investors got spooky early this year:

1. 🛢️ Russia and Saudi Arabia cut oil production, causing oil prices to jump to about $100/barrel. Like a tax, oil price pops slow down the whole economy.

2. 😨 The (almost) government shutdown would’ve slowed the economy, stopped economic data, halted IPOs, and even paused your passport from processing for that trip to Aruba…

3. 😢 The child care crisis. A pandemic-era childcare funding bill expired over the weekend—70k child care programs and up to 3.2M kids will be affected (we’re predicting some toddler-style meltdowns).

4. 🥲 Student loan payments resumed yesterday after a 3 ½ year pause (adults can have a meltdown, too).

5. 🪧 Hot strike summer: Actors and auto workers are still at it. Vegas hospitality workers could be next.

The Takeaway →

Individual stocks face individual risks, but market-wide risks hit everything. Buying stock in Tesla means Elon’s antics could affect share prices—that’s individual risk. The economic “worries” ⬆️ above are all systemic risks, meaning they affected the market as a whole. To lighten the mood—at least Hot Tub Time Machine is coming to Netflix this month.

2) Porsche Has a Penthouse

Luxury brands like Porsche, Bentley, and Aston Martin have expanded from selling cars to selling condos—they’re slapping their logos on high-rises in Miami. That alt-milk latte is feeling a little less boujee now.

Branded real estate is on the rise (literally), particularly for luxury car companies, according to the NYT. And it’s expected to grow 12% per year through 2026.

• 🏎️ In Miami, the Porsche Design Tower is decked out in bronze, red, and black like the iconic car logo. Heading to the 58th floor? A car elevator can whisk you—in your car—up to your penthouse.

• 🏎️ Drive down the beach to the 66-floor Aston Martin Residences, which are nearly sold out ahead of their EOY opening. Oh, and the triplex penthouse comes with a $2.3M “hypercar.”

• 🏎️ Bentley will have its own high-rise by 2026, too. Gotta keep up with the Joneses.

It’s not just cars jumping into real estate—it’s all of luxury retail. In fashion, Italy’s Fendi, Bulgari, Missoni, and Armani are all opening apartment buildings, too. And for foodies, Nobu is going from black cod to condos in Toronto.

The Takeaway →

The cure for a commodity is a brand. Beachfront condos are commodities—same look, same features. And the problem with commodities? The cheapest one wins. So to avoid becoming commodities, luxe real estate developers are paying the Porsches of the world to use their brands to sell units at a premium. Logos…they’re extra. 🥑

3) Blue Apron’s Meal Kit Has Under Delivered

Blue Apron, the pioneer of the meal kit industry, was just acquired by food delivery startup Wonder Group at a 95% discount from what it was once valued at. It’s like Gordon Ramsay “chimi chucked” this business in the bin.

Rewind to 2011: Meal kits addressed a problem. Millennials were time poor, money broke, but still had high-end taste. Blue Apron offered a solution to that problem, becoming the first meal kit company to IPO in 2017 at a $2B valuation. So why did it just sell for only $100M?

We went back into Blue Apron’s IPO paperwork from 6 years ago to see what went wrong. 📜 Turns out their top “strengths” lacked some protein...

1. They claimed an “emotional brand connection,” but customers said “hello” to fresh competition that entered the market. 😉

2. And their “strong unit economics” didn’t pan out—they never became profitable.

3. How about their “constant product innovation?” They’re still pretty much just doing meal kits.

The Takeaway →

Blue Apron is a feature, not a product. Products can stand alone and make money (like a health-conscious grocery store), while features merely enhance the product (like a pay-per-ounce hot bar). This acquisition makes it official: Meal kits aren’t a product—they’re a feature. And a company like Wonder Group might be able to make Blue Apron into the feature it probably always should have been.

😮‍💨 We repeat—the US government is open for business: Congress passed a last-minute bill Saturday night to avoid a government shutdown. Disaster relief funds are included, but there’s no new aid for Ukraine. We’ll check back in 45 days.

☂️ NYC had its wettest weekend in 2 years. Sending positive thoughts of dryness and easier commutes to all of our 5-borough Yetis.

🍼 Honda just unveiled a fleet of mini electric cars specially equipped for kids in hospitals.

🏈 Toy Story and the NFL collabed for Sunday’s Falcons-Jaguars game. Big win for the Crivici-Kramer household—Pixar + Football = a TBOY.

🍔 The minimum wage for fast food workers in California is increasing to $20/ hour—among the highest in the country.

🎤 That awkward interview with Linda Yaccarino, the CEO of X (formerly Twitter), from the Code 2023 Conference? We watched the whole thing over breakfast.

And one more thing. The meal kit industry just took a blow, so we’re in the market for dinner recs. Go-to Monday night recipe? Hit us up, reply here.

—Nick & Jack